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Why Do I Create Drama in Relationships? | We all want fulfilling connections. But do you wonder, "Why do I create drama in relationships?" Learn why we may crave drama despite our best efforts.

My partner and I used to joke with each other:

Hey, it’s been a while since we had a fight!

We’d take a deep breath, narrowly avoiding another explosion.

It was a miracle when we managed to find some peace in our once-toxic relationship. Maybe we didn’t have to repeat the same negative cycle every few weeks.

Then, something strange would happen…

No sooner had we uttered those words, a heated argument spewed that evening or a few days later. Why?!

Sometimes, we could even feel a fight rumbling below the surface. We thought acknowledging it would be enough to sidestep the danger.

Then like clockwork, we’d say something stupid, triggering the other person, and boom!  

Why do we create drama in relationships?

If we’re used to a certain amount of drama in relationships, it might actually feel destabilizing to have moments of peace and calm.

We may even feel bored, create more drama and unconsciously push away loved ones.

Why would anyone want to create drama in relationships?

I don’t think we intentionally want more stress in our lives. Instead, it’s often tied to how much stress we experienced in childhood, which then becomes our comfort zone until we change it.  

Us humans are wired for emotional safety and connection.

Many of us grew up in dysfunctional families, where we learned that we can’t get these basic needs met. Chronic stress and traumatic experiences (like emotional neglect) may get stuck in the body and impact us for a long time. 

In the Polyvagal Theory, psychologist Dr. Stephen Porges describes how our nervous system holds onto traumatic experiences.

Left unprocessed, trauma affects our vagus nerve’s functions like digestion, blood pressure and immune system responses. This can lead to anxiety, depression, chronic pain, autoimmune conditions, anger and defensiveness.

When we’re emotionally regulated, we access our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that’s responsible for self-awareness, problem-solving, creativity and empathy. This paves the way for social connection.      

So if our bodies hold unprocessed stress and trauma, we may have gotten used to a certain level of tension and resistance. What’s familiar is considered safe to the nervous system, even if that contradicts our desire for a healthy relationship.

That’s when we may unconsciously invite strife into our relationships.

You have a happiness set point

According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, we all have a happiness set point.

Our level of happiness rises when we experience something positive and falls when we experience something negative. But eventually, our mood will return to its set point because we’re creatures of habit.

Why Do I Create Drama in Relationships? | We all want fulfilling connections. But do you wonder, "Why do I create drama in relationships?" Learn why we may crave drama despite our best efforts.


I’d even say we have a set point for every area of life. For example, I see this phenomenon in myself and my clients who want more success when we hit our financial comfort zones.

So, whenever my partner Loïc and I joked it’s been a while since we had a fight, we unknowingly reverted back to our happiness set point. Suddenly, the repetitive cycles of arguments made sense! 

Neither one of us wanted to fight. And it didn’t matter if we had been getting along well for some time.

We were just so used to quarrels that our nervous systems expected them. Despite our best efforts, something would pull us in every time.

It seems absurd, but here’s the thing:

We tend to subconsciously attract relationships that resemble our parents’ relationship. Or we attract relationships that resemble the one we had with our parents.

That’s because we needed to physically and emotionally bond with our caretakers to feel safe and loved. These early relationships become the template for our adult relationships.

So if we witnessed abandonment, gaslighting, cheating, belittling or emotional neglect, our subconscious will often find a partner to reenact those traumas in an attempt to resolve them.

Argh… I spent my childhood walking on eggshells around my dad, so no wonder that feeling followed me into my marriage!

We may think we want a healthy relationship. But our nervous system may feel anxious if we’re happy for too long.

Again, if it doesn’t feel familiar, it’s considered unsafe.

How to stop creating drama in relationships

Now, here’s the good news:

We can increase our relationships set point, so that we enjoy healthy connections and more well-being and peace of mind.

More specifically, we must process past wounds, update limiting beliefs and teach our nervous system a new template for relationships.

Start by identifying physical sensations and experiences.

What happens in your body when you experience relationship conflicts? How does it feel in moments of peace? 

What emotions are tied to those physical sensations? What triggers these overwhelming experiences? You might want to record your observations in a journal to see if a pattern arises.

Reflect on the relationship between your parents and the relationship you had with them as a child. What did you witness growing up? What similarities exist in your current relationship?

Breathe deeply.

No one wants to create drama in their relationships. We’ve been using an outdated map from childhood to navigate our adult relationships.

Our nervous system has stored trauma that impact how we show up in our connections with each other. Our bodies think it doesn’t get better than this.

But you can update your relationships template. You’re not doomed to drama for the rest of your life.

You deserve to experience loving relationships.

To me, fulfilling relationships are the best thing about being human.

An invitation

I love supporting women to recover from people-pleasing, set boundaries and create harmonious relationships. If you’d like some free support, I’m trading EFT Tapping sessions for a short research interview. 

This is a fun opportunity to connect and mutually support each other. In the first 15 minutes, I ask you questions like “How did you discover me?” Your answers help me create new content and offers.

And in the last 15 minutes, you’ll get to quickly release relationship stress and gain clarity about your issue. Participants are always shocked at how fast we get to the core of their issue. They can feel a palpable sense of calm after just 3 rounds of tapping. 

So if you want to help me out and get some free support in return, sign up here.

This isn’t a discovery call where we talk about my paid services. Though it’s a great way to get a taste of my work and see if you like my vibe before possibly working with me.

If our meeting inspires you to learn more about my services, we can set up a separate call to make sure we’re the right fit.

It’d be a pleasure to connect with you!

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