Setting boundaries is radical…
Yes, because in a society that pressures us to be like everyone else, it takes guts to stand up for yourself and live life on your terms.
The risks of expressing your true self include criticism, judgment, abandonment, abuse and in some cases—even death.
I don’t mean to be dramatic. But as I support women from all over the world to create thriving relationships, we often find that our boundary-setting challenges are firmly rooted to unhealed wounds deep in our psyche.
And sometimes, these wounds don’t even belong to us. This stuff gets passed down from one generation to another until someone—you—wakes up and starts breaking the vicious cycle.
In this blog article, I’d like to share the top 3 “mistakes” in setting boundaries that I see in my personal life and sessions with clients.
Of course, by “mistakes”, I mean learning opportunities to come home to yourself.
1) Focusing on others too much
Those of us who people-please tend to place much of our attention on others:
- worrying about what others think of us
- taking on others’ problems and feelings
- prioritizing others’ needs before our own
We’ve learned to focus more on other people, so that we can act accordingly to make sure they’re happy. This habit often stems from childhood when we completely depended on our caretakers for our survival.
But if we want to set better boundaries, it’s essential to bring our attention inwards more often. Your body and emotions send important messages about your needs. And we can’t set boundaries if we’re unaware of our needs.
What’s more, our sense of worth needs to be developed on the inside. Other people’s approval can never compensate for our lack of self-love.
One of my clients often stays up in her head, stressing about her relationship. Through our work together, she realized her heart literally has been aching because she lost herself in the relationship.
Her heart seemed to exclaim, Bring your attention down here! Feel this grief. Feel this anger.
My client listened to her body’s message. She spoke up and gave herself permission to do things she liked, instead of acquiescing to her partner. She’s now feeling more joyful than she has in a while.
Let’s stop putting our compass in other people’s hands and giving our power away.
Practice letting your own heart guide you in life.
2) Not following through with boundaries
One of my family members does everything she can to avoid conflicts.
She says, I just want everyone to get along. It’s easier if I say yes most of the time. This seems to work until all her repressed frustration explodes.
When she finally speaks up, her stinging words surprise everybody. The break in her silence creates much confusion because she let them walk all over her for so long.
Unfortunately, the unhealthy habit—on both sides—is so ingrained that it starts again in no time.
Of course, something in the relationship is off if the other person keeps dismissing your needs after you’ve spoken up. (You might want to read 10 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships.)
Your power resides in focusing on how you’ll take care of yourself, not on controlling other people’s behavior.
Whether you’re not following through with your boundaries, or not setting them at all, it’s like you’re rolling out the red carpet for others to disrespect you. You’re telling them, Here, go ahead. Criticize me. Walk all over me.
Sometimes, it’s frustrating to have to reinforce your boundaries—by saying no again, leaving the room or stepping back. (For more tips, check out my blog article, What to Do When Someone Disrespects Your Boundaries.)
But you are the guardian of your time and energy. You get to choose what to do with your power.
Your inner child is waiting for you to advocate for her.
3) Having rigid boundaries
I know, I know, that sounds contradictory…
Aren’t we supposed to be firm with our boundaries? If not, won’t people take advantage of us?
In an unhealthy relationship, where we generally don’t feel safe to share our feelings and our requests for respect have been dismissed, it’s best to be firm with our boundaries.
You don’t have to justify yourself. No negotiations. No holding space. Just no.
But when we have an overall healthy relationship with someone, where both people trust and care for each other, we can afford some grace and flexibility in our boundaries.
I almost lost a dear friend recently due to rigid boundaries.
Our expectations of the friendship changed over time, but neither of us realized it. My throat tensed up with anger and fear when my friend ignored my messages.
Eventually, they reached out to plan a phone call. Weeks before the call, a thousand scenarios and feelings inundated me. Was this the end? I used EFT Tapping to soothe my anxiety.
My old self thought about cutting my friend out of my life: Well, they’re not as present anymore. I can do without them.
But instead, I tuned into the overarching love that we’ve shared throughout the years. I realized that this mattered more to me than upholding my expectations.
I chose to be more flexible and preserve our friendship. We beautifully held space for each other’s feelings and found a middle ground.
Each person, relationship and context is different. Though it’s important to keep in mind the intention behind our boundaries.
Notice if you’re using rigid boundaries to isolate yourself and avoid conflict.
Have you communicated what’s wrong?
What message is your body sending you?
How to set boundaries more easily
Perhaps you already know the importance of boundaries, but you’re struggling to set them.
I meet many women who feel silly for not being able to speak up. As one of my audience members recently asked me, How do I get my body to feel what I know in my mind?
To honor your needs with more grace, it’s vital that you create a sense of safety within yourself.
The root of people-pleasing often lies in our unconscious. A regulated nervous system helps you say yes to yourself much easier.
If you’d like guidance with boundaries, I invite you to explore my course, Break Free From People-Pleasing. You’ll learn how to soothe your nervous system to actually speak up and prioritize your needs without the guilt. 👇🏼
Want some free support?
I’m offering free EFT Tapping sessions in exchange for a short interview via Zoom.
I enjoy connecting with other women and learning about their challenges related to confidence, boundaries and relationships.
In the first 15 minutes, I’ll ask questions like “How did you discover me?” for new content ideas. In the last 15 minutes, you’ll get an EFT session to feel calm and clear. (Yes, things can shift that quickly.)
This offer isn’t a discovery call, where we discuss my paid services. It’s a fun opportunity to connect and support each other!
If you feel inspired to work with me, we can book a free call to make sure we’re a good fit.
I look forward to connecting with you!
Further reading to set better boundaries: