Have you ever wondered, “Am I being kind or am I just people-pleasing?”

I remember the first time I realized I might be people-pleasing…

One of my dear high school friends mocked me in front of our friends. She quipped, “You always get everything right, Miss Know-It-All!”

Her remark stung in my chest. I feared more ridicule, so I just stayed quiet and thought, “She’s probably having a bad day.”

But her jealousy kept souring our conversations. I thought I was being kind, but my anger throbbed underneath the surface. That’s when I started noticing the subtle ways people-pleasing showed up in my daily life.

At first glance, kindness and people-pleasing can look the same. But the signs of people-pleasing reveal that they come from vastly different places.

Kindness is rooted in compassion and choice, while people-pleasing often comes from fear of rejection, guilt or the need for approval.

In this article, I’ll explore 7 signs of people-pleasing, the difference between kindness vs. people-pleasing and ways to set boundaries without losing your caring nature.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is when you prioritize others’ needs over your own, often to your detriment. Those of us who people-please tend to learn during our chaotic childhood that it’s safer to disconnect from our desires and needs.

While kindness comes from authenticity and choice, people-pleasing stems from fear, guilt or the need for approval. Recognizing the difference is the first step toward healthier relationships and self-respect.

Let’s also make room for nuance here…

One of my newsletter subscribers criticized my use of the word “codependency”. Codependency and people-pleasing aren’t the same thing, but there’s lots of overlap.

(If you’re curious, check out my blog article, Am I Codependent? 5 Glaring Signs of Codependency.)

So, I asked the wonderful subreddit r/codependency for their thoughts about the c-word. To my great surprise, the post got 21,000 views and 64 comments!

This rich discussion helped me understand that some people set boundaries that can veer towards hyper-independence and isolation.

We’re social beings. Of course, community and interdependence nourish us. Sometimes, that means we may overextend ourselves for others to show our support.

And we absolutely need to find the right balance between caring for ourselves and others. The key is to notice your motivation—love or fear?

Read on for more clarification and examples.

7 Clear Signs of People-Pleasing

It’s not always obvious when we’re bending over backwards for others, especially if it’s a lifelong habit. Our nervous system may be so used to it, the pattern repeats itself automatically.

Here are 7 signs of people-pleasing to watch out for… Please be gentle with yourself as you read them.

1) Saying Yes When You Mean No

One of the clearest signs of people-pleasing is agreeing to requests even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. True kindness comes from choice, not obligation—being kind doesn’t mean saying yes to everything.

Example: one of my clients planned a fun trip and thought about driving an extra 2 hours to visit family.

As we tapped and explored her motivation, my client realized that her shoulders felt tense with obligation. She feared that her family would bad-mouth her if she didn’t visit.

We tapped and released the tension. Afterwards, my client felt empowered to offer another solution and enjoy her trip even if it didn’t work out.

2) Feeling Responsible for Others’ Emotions

If someone is upset, you feel like it’s your fault or responsibility to fix it. Kindness allows empathy without taking on someone else’s emotional baggage.

Example: I used to feel guilty whenever my husband seemed upset, even if it had nothing to do with me.

Unconsciously, his anger transported me into the past… As a child, I braced myself for punishment whenever my dad grimaced.

It took time to realize that empathy doesn’t mean taking on others’ emotions.

3) Apologizing Excessively

People-pleasers apologize for things that they haven’t done wrong, or for expressing their opinions. Healthy kindness doesn’t require self-blame; it comes from respect, not fear of judgment.

Example: When I had the courage to finally speak up, I’d sometimes say, “Sorry, but I feel hurt.” I wondered where this habit came from?

I slowly caught myself when I prefaced my truth with “sorry” and created a new habit of owning how I feel!

4) Avoiding Conflict at All Costs

You may have learned to sacrifice your own needs to keep the peace. Kindness, on the other hand, can include honest, respectful communication, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Example: Many of us grew up in families that criticized us for having needs. As my husband and I grappled with codependency, I constantly strove to connect with my younger self and advocate for her needs.

My relationship thrives today, thanks to the precious lessons that conflicts helped us integrate. (If this resonates, you might like this blog article: How to Stop Constant Fighting in a Relationship.)

5) Struggling to Set Boundaries

People-pleasers often fear disappointing others and rarely set limits. True kindness recognizes and honors personal boundaries while respecting others.

Example: One of my clients reported a colleague’s inappropriate remarks after tolerating him for months. Because of her oppressive past, she didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ and jeopardize his job.

Releasing her trauma helped her feel worthy of the immense compassion that she freely gives to others.

6) Basing Self-Worth on Others’ Approval

Your value feels tied to how much others like you or appreciate you. Authentic kindness isn’t based on external validation—it’s an expression of your inner values.

Example: Reclaiming your power has much to do with recalibrating your inner compass. Enjoying downtime, silence and nature walks help me tune into my truth.

From this serenity, I can better gauge, “Is this what I really want? What would my higher self choose?”

7) Feeling Resentful After Being Nice

After accommodating others, you may feel exhausted, frustrated or resentful. Real kindness feels good because it’s chosen freely, not coerced by fear of disapproval.

Example: I used to insist on doing all the clean-up after cooking, instead of letting my husband help. (It’s probably because I saw my mom do the same thing with my dad.)

My resentment would eventually burst out of my mouth as bitter remarks. Ooof… That was a rude awakening that showed me how people-pleasing can seep into every corner of your life.

Kindness vs. People-Pleasing—How to Tell the Difference

While kindness and people-pleasing can look similar on the surface, the underlying motivations are super different. Recognizing the difference is key to building fulfilling relationships and supporting your well-being.

Motivation

• People-pleasing: Driven by fear of rejection, guilt or the need for approval.
• Kindness: Driven by compassion, empathy and genuine care.

Boundaries vs. Obligation

• People-pleasing: You struggle to say no, even when it’s inconvenient or harmful to you.
• Kindness: You help others while respecting your own limits.

Emotional Impact

• People-pleasing: Leaves you feeling drained, resentful or anxious.
• Kindness: Feels energizing and fulfilling because it’s chosen freely.

Authenticity vs. Compliance

• People-pleasing: You change your behavior or opinions to make others happy.
• Kindness: You stay true to yourself while being considerate of others.

Longevity of Relationships

• People-pleasing: Often creates superficial connections since they’re based on obligation instead of trust.
• Kindness: Builds strong, authentic relationships grounded in mutual respect and honesty.

Basically, ask yourself: “Am I doing this out of love and choice, or out of fear and obligation?”

By reflecting on this, you can start shifting from people-pleasing to true kindness and gracefully set healthier boundaries.

How to Stop People-Pleasing (and Still Be Kind)

Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing doesn’t mean you stop being kind—it means you start being genuinely kind while respecting your own needs. Here are a few practical tips:

Pause Before Saying Yes

Instead of immediately agreeing to requests, take a moment to consider: “Do I genuinely want to do this, or am I saying yes out of fear?”

Notice any physical tension in your body. Personally, my throat or chest often feels tight when I feel obligated to say yes. How does fear show up in your body?

This pause helps you make conscious, kind choices rather than automatic people-pleasing responses.

Practice “Kind No’s”

Saying no gracefully doesn’t make you unkind. The right people will respect your needs.

Try these statements:

• “I can’t take this on right now, but I hope we can find another solution.”
• “I’m unavailable for that, but I appreciate you asking.”

Check Your Motives

Before agreeing to a favor or task, ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I want to help, or because I fear disappointing someone?”

Being mindful of your motives ensures your actions come from true kindness, not obligation.

Build Self-Worth from Within

People-pleasing often stems from tying your value to others’ approval. Strengthen your self-worth by recognizing your own achievements, practicing self-compassion and affirming that your needs matter.

If you’d like guidance, you can check out my Speak Your Truth Program or Break Free From People-Pleasing Course.

Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships. Communicate limits calmly and clearly.

For example: “I can help with X, but I’m not available for Y.” This protects your energy while still allowing you to act kindly.

Finally, reflect on your interactions once in a while and celebrate moments of genuine kindness.

Notice when fear drove your behavior, which also counts as progress. (Don’t let your inner critic tell you otherwise.)

You’ve got this!

Signs of People-Pleasing: Final Thoughts

People-pleasing often feels like kindness on the surface—but deep down, it drains your energy, blurs your boundaries and leaves you feeling resentful.

True kindness is authentic and energizing.

By noticing the signs of people-pleasing and learning the difference between kindness and people-pleasing, you can start showing up in your relationships with more honesty, compassion and self-respect.

Remember, you’re worthy of love and respect, and setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary part of relationships.

Start small, practice self-awareness and choose kindness that’s rooted in love. Your relationships (and your own well-being) will thank you.

If you’re ready to explore this further, book a free EFT Tapping session/interview or check out my Break Free From People-Pleasing Course. Together, we can work toward empowered boundaries and soulful relationships.

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