Have you ever left your relationship?
It’s a question a few of my readers and listeners have asked me during my research interviews.
Oof, some things are harder to talk about!
I’m here to empower others. I share my personal stories because it can help validate someone’s experience. And I want to share the bigger picture of what healing codependency can look like.
So, it feels vulnerable, but… Yes, I’ve left my marriage once. And I came back to rebuild my relationship with my husband.
But the decision to stay or leave is different for each person. Katie Ray-Jones, president of the Domestic Violence Hotline, says that it takes an average of 7 attempts before a woman leaves an abusive relationship once and for all.
It certainly isn’t as straightforward as it seems.
There are many factors to carefully consider. Even if the situation is detrimental to your well-being, there are valid reasons why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship.
Why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship
Logically, you might know that you should leave. Perhaps a friend or family member has told you that your partner is abusive.
But emotionally, it may be a different story. All kinds of fears and limiting beliefs can keep us from seeing clearly.
So the key is to validate our feelings to start creating an inner sense of safety. It’s easier to take aligned actions when all parts of us feel heard.
Here are a few common reasons why it’s hard to leave toxic relationships:
Fear of abandonment
My lack of self-esteem since childhood created beliefs that restrained my power:
- I don’t deserve better
- It’s my fault
- I can’t do anything about it
- No one else will want to be with me
- I have nowhere else to go
The fear of abandonment and the fear of loneliness are universal and based on survival.
When we strongly identify with them, often due to childhood wounds, we may unconsciously put up with manipulation and abuse. What’s more, an abusive partner can isolate us from loved ones, severing outside support.
We’re never responsible for others’ actions (though a part of us might believe otherwise).
Love
Codependency is a generational thing.
I grew up watching my mom agree to practically everything my dad decided. He controlled the household, while my mom acquiesced.
She showed me that love is about sacrificing yourself. It keeps the peace at home, as long as you avoid speaking up and questioning authority.
I wonder how long this mindset has poisoned the women in my family?
I hear similar stories in my sessions with clients. We make excuses for the other person. Our big hearts know that their childhood wounds are boiling under the surface. Despite all the harm, we might truly care about the person.
One client stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 20 years because her husband was the first person who ever cared for her. Unresolved trauma can make us settle for crumbs of love.
It’s pure joy when I hear a client exclaim these 3 words: I deserve better!
Finances
One of the biggest reasons why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship is financial worries.
Being financially dependent on an abusive partner puts us in a vulnerable position. We might stay because we don’t have the money to pay for food or housing. If you have children or pets, you may wonder how you’ll meet their needs.
It can be terrifying if you have little or no experience in gaining money on your own. Doubts about your ability to take care of yourself are valid.
In my blog article, How the 4 Survival Archetypes Drive Our Relationships, I describe the so-called Prostitute archetype. It’s the part of us that compromises ourselves for physical survival or financial gain.
There’s no need to shame ourselves. If we’re willing, we can choose to embrace this part of us and believe in our greater potential.
It might be helpful to check out the Allstate Foundation, which offers financial literacy and support services to those experiencing domestic violence.
Fear of the future
Another understandable fear is about what your partner would do if you left.
You might worry that they will look for you. An abusive partner may threaten to end their life or harm your kids and/or pets. Your partner may or may not follow through, but it’s another attempt to control and coerce you.
I always get chills as I guide people to release sobering truths such as, I let him take my power away for 30 years.
Perhaps it’s the first time you’ve built the strength to stand up for yourself and cut through the illusions. You can’t ignore the BS anymore.
If you’ve spent a lifetime outsourcing your power, it can be scary to trust yourself and imagine another way of being.
As crazy as it sounds, a familiar situation, albeit harmful, may feel safer than the unknown.
It’s not your fault. You can read this blog article to learn how our nervous system impacts our relationships.
Shame
Toxic shame is such a potent force that it’s the root of many emotional issues.
Childhood emotional neglect and trauma contribute to the toxic shame that haunts those in abusive relationships.
We’re already feeling unlovable and inadequate. So it doesn’t help if we feel pressure from our inner circles and culture to uphold a certain image of the perfect family.
We might obsess over what others think, especially if an abusive partner tends to blame us and portray themselves in a positive light to others.
Religious expectations about being a good wife or taboos around divorce can also deter us from leaving.
This shame about ourselves is closely tied to the fear of abandonment, tricking us into believing that we don’t deserve any better. We may also think, If I just love my partner enough, maybe they’ll change.
But that reinforces the same vicious cycle—the false belief that you’re unlovable just the way you are.
Trust yourself
The decision to stay or leave an abusive relationship is different for everyone.
I know it’s hard. There can be many obstacles (here are 50) that overwhelm us and keep us from taking action.
Though my husband and I managed to heal our trauma and resurrect our relationship, there was no way we could’ve known that we would thrive.
Our toxic dynamic could’ve continued for years. It was truly a leap of faith for both of us, despite all the red flags.
Only you know what’s right for you. Give yourself permission to trust yourself a bit more.
Ask for support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a wealth of resources and 24/7 support in over 200 languages.
And make sure you have a safety plan if you’re thinking of leaving.
You deserve to feel loved and happy.
Want some free support?
I’m offering free EFT Tapping sessions in exchange for a short interview via Zoom.
I enjoy connecting with other women and learning about their challenges related to confidence, boundaries and relationships.
In the first 15 minutes, I’ll ask questions like “How did you discover me?” for new content ideas. In the last 15 minutes, you’ll get an EFT session to feel calm and clear. (Yes, things can shift that quickly.)
This offer isn’t a discovery call, where we discuss my paid services. It’s a fun opportunity to connect and support each other!
If you feel inspired to work with me, we can book a free call to make sure we’re a good fit.
I look forward to connecting with you!
