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How to Stop Being an Overachiever. You can't help chasing results, working too much and beating yourself up. Find out why and how to stop being an overachiever to feel more joyful.

Do you remember getting your first bad grade?

My teacher, Miss Frampton, zigzagged her way around class, handing out graded homework.

A large red “C” glared at me. I immediately grabbed my homework and crammed it behind my notebooks in my desk.

My heart beat 100mph. I felt sick to my stomach, imagining my father’s stern gaze.

I was only 8 years old.

From early on, I firmly tied my worth to achievements. I couldn’t afford to fail.

We’re all doing our best. It’s just that we’re contending with a lot more than we think.

As recovering overachievers, we know chasing results, working too much and beating ourselves up harms us, but we can’t help it.

Why it’s hard to stop being an overachiever

You most likely learned from an early age that achieving wins you approval from your parents, teachers and peers.

Their praise felt good and motivated you to work harder.

First-generation children like myself feel immense pressure to succeed to appease their families. My parents taught me that survival—ahem, my future—depended on my academic success.

But in all seriousness, my father’s survival did depend on his schooling.

As an immigrant who fled Vietnam in the 80s, he arrived in the US with only the clothes on his back and a sandal dangling from his foot. My father quickly enrolled in college to earn an in-demand degree, which led him to work for a respectable company.

Thanks to his perseverance, my brother and I grew up in a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood.

But if you have basic needs taken care of, it’s another story.

Ultimately, overachieving acts as a temporary band-aid. Just like any coping mechanism, it protects you from dealing with difficult emotions festering underneath:

  • fear of failure, disapproval, looking weak or the future
  • feelings of worthlessness: I’m not good enough unless I do xyz
  • self-doubt, anxiety and stress
  • anger and frustration

Fear pushes you to accomplish more in the short run, but depletes your energy and happiness in the long run.

Instead, take a deep breath. Notice how you feel more often.

Reboot yourself with EFT Tapping—then get back into the game.

Enjoy the process more

It’s bright and early. You check off your first task with a smile.

Hours later, you’re behind schedule. Only 3 tasks done to perfection, 10 more to go. No breaks!

So, you force yourself to speed up. Papers spin in the air. Your eyes flitter from one task to another.

Late evening: you drag yourself out of your office chair, gobble something and collapse into bed.

No celebration. Nor savoring your work.

Just feeling like crap.

Has this ever happened to you?

When you chase external goals like checking off boxes, good grades and promotions, it can actually hinder your performance. Psychologists call this type of motivation “extrinsic”.

On the other hand, when you do an activity just because you love it or find the challenge exciting, it’s an “intrinsic” motivation.

It’s unfulfilling to engage in activities simply for rewards and to avoid punishment. Because tying your happiness and worth to external factors is like trying to grasp a cloud—ephemeral and ever-changing.

“If you become excessively focused on the goal…. your life’s journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive, to attain, to “make it”. You no longer see or smell the flowers by the wayside either, nor are you aware of the beauty and the miracle of life that unfolds all around you when you are present in the Now.” —Eckhart Tolle

Let go of “no pain, no gain”

I remember strolling near the Jardin de Luxembourg in Paris during my junior year abroad.

Classes finished early that day, so I explored the quartier, or the neighborhood, while nibbling at my ham and cheese baguette sandwich.

I turned the corner of avenue de l’Observatoire. Suddenly, two majestic iron gates welcomed me to a pleasant haven: small circles of friends picnicked, people read novels in garden chairs and lovers lounged on the grass.

What in the…?

I couldn’t believe the sheer number of park-goers—it was a weekday afternoon. Does anyone in Paris work?

Now that I’ve lived in France for over a decade, I can confirm the French do work. But they also cherish downtime because it contributes to their well-being.

Most workers in France—whether you’re an employee or an executive—enjoy lunch for 1.5 hours. And sometimes, your employer even pays for your lunch.

Can you imagine that?

I can relate to Tom Hodgkinson in his book How to Be Idle, when he worried the business lunch with his French collaborators had gone on too long:

“On voicing my anxieties, my desire to work was roundly dismissed…. They laughed, arguing that there was no hurry, that things would happen all in good time and they justified themselves with the following paradox:

Travailler moins, produire plus. The less you work, the more you produce.” —Tom Hodgkinson

Indeed, downtime actually increases productivity, recharges your batteries and boosts creativity.

So, prioritize free time.

Take a 20-minute walk or nap.

Observe life at a café à la française.

Doing less is okay.

Befriend your inner critic

Our critical inner voice is like having an authoritative older sibling.

It worries whether or not others respect you. If your boss values your work, if your partner truly loves you.

Your inner critic feels responsible for you and will do anything to ensure you feel safe, loved and accepted.

Sometimes, it can be harsh, so that you correct your behavior and thus gain others’ approval:

  • Blaming → It’s your fault.
  • Comparing → Why can’t you be like her?
  • Setting unrealistic standards → It’s not perfect yet.
  • Reminding you of your failures → You never learn, do you?
  • Discouraging risks → You’re going to fail anyway.
  • Brushing off wins → You were lucky.
  • “Shoulding” → You should (not) be/do xyz.
  • Insulting → You’re dumb, weak, ugly.
  • Shaming → You’re not good enough.

However, it doesn’t mean to attack you: It’s for your own good. You’ll thank me later.

It doesn’t matter if that method sabotages you. It doesn’t know any other way: It’s better than being rejected, shamed or abandoned.

But wait—there’s hope.

Now that you’ve grown up, you can take care of yourself. You no longer need to huddle under its wings.

So, come out of there.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your inner critic.

Thank them for taking care of you. You’ve got it now.

Distinguishing who you are from your inner critic lets you live life on your terms.  

Ask life-changing questions

It’s easy to fall prey to popular images of success.

Like advanced degrees, a prestigious job or a luxurious lifestyle.

There’s nothing wrong with these things. But when we sacrifice our well-being or time with loved ones, we have to ask ourselves, Is it worth it?

Perhaps by asking life-changing questions, our current world of quick profits, material gain and “the fast life” can come to a halt and make way for more love and peace.

Every time I shun breaks or stress about my to-do list, I’ve fallen into the trap of consumerism.

When that happens, I take a deep breath and contemplate:

  • Who am I without my achievements?
  • What legacy do I want to leave behind?
  • What’s my purpose?

Moreover, dare to ponder the miracle of life, the probability of your being born estimated at one in 400 trillion:

  • What is reality?
  • Where do thoughts come from?
  • Where does the universe end?

“Ask the questions that have no answers.

Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.

Say that your main crop is the forest

that you did not plant,

that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested

when they have rotted into the mold.

Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.” —Wendell Berry

You’re more than your achievements

We all feel the pressure to be and do more.

Let’s cultivate a world where we lift each other up.

Don’t wait for a breaking point.

Claim this moment now.

Want some free support?

I’m offering free EFT Tapping sessions in exchange for a short interview via Zoom.

I enjoy connecting with other women and learning about their challenges related to confidence, boundaries and relationships.

In the first 15 minutes, I’ll ask questions like “How did you discover me?” for new content ideas. In the last 15 minutes, you’ll get an EFT session to feel calm and clear. (Yes, things can shift that quickly.)

This offer isn’t a discovery call, where we discuss my paid services. It’s a fun opportunity to connect and support each other!

If you feel inspired to work with me, we can book a free call to make sure we’re a good fit.

I look forward to connecting with you!

How to Stop Being an Overachiever | You can't help chasing results, working too much and beating yourself up. Find out why and how to stop being an overachiever to feel more joyful.

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