Have you ever thought, “When will I stop healing and finally live my life?”
When our past creeps into our daily lives, it can be super frustrating. We may feel a near-constant sense of urgency, desperation and powerlessness.
I remember feeling that way. You’re putting in all the effort, becoming more aware of your patterns, reading all the self-help books…
But life just keeps triggering you.
Here are a few practical tips I’ve learned along the way to help you create more emotional balance and ease on your healing journey.
You’re not broken
When I was in the depths of my despair, I came across spiritual teachers who repeated, “You’re not broken.”
I wanted to believe that I wasn’t broken. I really did.
But when I tried to tell myself affirmations like “I am good enough” or “I am loved”, no part of me felt that it was true. (I also talked about this in episode #13 called, “Why Positive Affirmations Fail: Avoid This #1 Mistake”.)
Was there something wrong with me?
Even though my loved ones often complimented my positive traits, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that deep down, I was broken and that I may never overcome my low self-esteem.
Years of upheaval in my codependent marriage taught me that I needed to validate the raw feelings that erupted on a day-to-day basis. My mind could give me a pep talk, but ultimately, old abandonment wounds would seize my entire body.
Here’s what I wish I had known:
Our nervous system stores these emotional wounds until we have the resources to finally process them. That’s why a tiny part of you may think you’re worthy and another part of you doesn’t believe it at all.
The past has shown us over and over that we weren’t loved for who we were. Our body remembers the emotional pain of not belonging and utter loneliness.
We must integrate the wounds, update our limiting beliefs and restore the connection between our mind and body. Once we do so, we naturally feel safer to relax and let in more peace and love.
We can finally see the love that has always been there and receive it with open arms.
Healing isn’t linear
Have you noticed that you tend to experience the same issues?
Perhaps you’ve always struggled with boundaries and you’re wondering why this issue keeps rearing its head. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge any frustration and take a gentler approach…
The healing process is like an upward spiral. We tend to revisit the same core issues from a higher perspective each time.
So, maybe you felt the need to speak up recently and you didn’t follow through… but you took a moment to notice the tension in your throat. That’s more self-awareness—something to be celebrated!
Then the next time, this somatic revelation helps you stay a bit more grounded when someone crosses your boundary. You didn’t let them get to you and stood in your power.
Victory!
Little by little, you gain more awareness of your habitual reactions, embrace your feelings and strengthen your resilience. Until one day, you find yourself speaking your truth with ease and grace!
Celebrate these small moments of self-compassion. They’re making a big difference in the long run.
What does it mean to heal anyway?
We need to get clear on what we mean by “healing”. The word is a bit vague and can mean something different for each of us.
Some people think that being “healed” means they’ll no longer have any problems. This is just unrealistic because we’re human. We’re going to face challenges and setbacks. That’s a fact of life.
So, let’s dispel the myth of a magical pill that will resolve all our problems. Believing in this myth often gives us the impression that there’s something wrong with us if everything isn’t perfect.
Sometimes, we do need to explore different modalities and perspectives. Each shift in perspective can be a precious stepping stone on our path. And it’s also vital to avoid outsourcing our power and chasing the next shiny self-help book or healing tool.
When we’re desperate for relief, we may be vulnerable to people who prioritize profit over others’ well-being. We might spend thousands of dollars and years on that so-called panacea, only to discover that it didn’t help much.
It’d be far more realistic to expect that healing from the past is a journey, not a destination. Typically, we experience small, positive changes over time.
Let’s hold our expectations lightly. Because exerting pressure on ourselves and rushing the process can actually hinder our progress.
What’s more, healing trauma demands us to respect our body’s rhythm and make sure all parts of ourselves feel safe to move forward.
With the right support, environment and divine timing, it’s possible to recover from trauma and thrive.
What healing can look like
Healing can look different for everybody.
But in general, here’s what I’ve been grateful to observe in my journey and those of my clients. And here’s what I believe is possible for all of us, eventually:
Our nervous systems have been soothed, so being triggered all day, everyday, is no longer the norm. When we get activated again—because we will—those triggers are manageable.
Since we’ve created a new default of more ease and joy in our body, we feel more capable of embracing our negative feelings. Tough emotions may feel much less intense. We have the tools and resources to navigate the triggers and more quickly return to our grounded self.
As the healing deepens, triggers may become occasional or even rare. Huge emotional reactions that take hours, days or weeks to clear may also become rare. We start seeing unpleasant situations as nudges from the universe to reconnect with ourselves.
We’re generally brimming with self-awareness and self-compassion. Our personality sheds more layers of trauma responses and our true selves shine through.
It becomes easier to validate our inner child whenever she feels agitated. An innate feeling of peace and worthiness animates our steps. We gracefully speak our truth and stand up for ourselves—it might not be perfect or every time.
But sooner or later, we return to ourselves and make room for any part that feels unheard.
We see the futility of seeking external validation and nurture unconditional self-love. Our support systems reflect this inner support and there’s this wonderful feeling that life is holding us even during challenges.
The journey continues as we learn how to increase our capacity for more joy, more peace and more love.
We look back in awe, realizing that we’re no longer healing.
We’re simply growing and evolving.
Do we ever fully heal from trauma?
If our definition of being healed is to never have any triggers or problems again, then we’ll always feel broken.
But what if we adjusted our definition with a more compassionate and grounded perspective?
Perhaps what many of us wish is to drastically reduce the intensity and frequency of our emotional reactions, so that we can breathe easy, experience more peace of mind and deepen our connection to ourselves and others.
Simply put, we don’t want our past to consume our life. We want to feel capable of riding the inevitable ups and downs.
Our past wounds shape us, but we also have tremendous capacity for evolving and change.
Keep actively seeking growth and wisdom.
Be kind and patient with yourself.
You’ve got this!
Want some free support?
I’m offering free EFT Tapping sessions in exchange for a short interview via Zoom.
I enjoy connecting with other women and learning about their challenges related to confidence, boundaries and relationships.
In the first 15 minutes, I’ll ask questions like “How did you discover me?” for new content ideas. In the last 15 minutes, you’ll get an EFT session to feel calm and clear. (Yes, things can shift that quickly.)
This offer isn’t a discovery call, where we discuss my paid services. It’s a fun opportunity to connect and support each other!
If you feel inspired to work with me, we can book a free call to make sure we’re a good fit.
I look forward to connecting with you!
Further reading to heal from the past: